Amee

This is where I tell the world my deepest secrets. This is not meant for my family or my friends to know about. I am an anonymous blogger, but you can call me Amee.

It's coming together

Because of my depression I haven't done any schoolwork outside of class for several months, leaving me with a ton of late assignments and homeworks. I can't say I have done everything I am supposed to now either but I have started doing some of it, so I see that as an improvement, and I 'm actually a little proud.

It feels like my life is finally starting to make sense and I'm getting more control over myself. I am making small improvements on my life to begin being healthy and doing constructive things instead of deconstuctive as I have been before.

Maybe, maybe, I can get a normal life sometime after all.

Bye for now,

Amee

I'm going skiing

Me and E is still not talking. I don't think it is quite as tense anymore, because we can at least hang out with the same people at the same time and be polite to each other... I miss her though. You don't just forget about one of your closest friends like that. I guess I'm not as important to her.

Today I signed up for a ski trip with my school. It's just for a day, but it's the only chance I get to ski and I really do love it, so I'm happy anyway. The trip is on the 14th of February.

I haven't heard from Gröna Lund yet, but I'll let you know how it went as soon as I hear from them.

Bye for now,

Amee

Confession

A few years ago I was sexually harrassed by my grandfather. I think I was about 14 when it happened. I was scared and chocked and didn't dare to do anything when he came on to me.

For years I blamed myself. "I should have told him to stop. I shouldn't have let him do that to me" were my thoughts. I saw myself as a disgusting little bug and a coward. I didn't dare to tell anyone. Partly because of the shame, but also because of the chaos my family would have to go through. I didn't want them to be sad or angry. I didn't want my family to split up. I knew all this would happen if I told anyone, and my family would be in pain just because I told them. It would be my fault.

I was a wreck and did everything to make myself even more miserable, because I wasn't worth anything. I was dirt and I deserved to feel like shit. I hated myself.

Over time I finally gained the courage to tell my friends and what I got back was support. They didn't think any of that was my fault. I was young and I was scared. It was OK. He was the one doing something wrong. It was still hard for me to accept this, but having my friends to support me really made a difference.

Some more time passed and in 2011 I told the student councillor at my school the story. He and I talked alot and often about this and he helped me deal with my past. I've had alot of ups and downs, but he's always been there to support me and help me. In August 2012 I got into therapy and I eventually felt safe enough to tell my therapist as well. I still didn't want my family to get hurt, but I knew I had to get help dealing with this or I would break down completely.

The chaos that I had feared for happened when my family found out, but it was not as agressive as I thought it would be. I was greeted with support and actually admiration for being this brave. My mom was probably the one taking this the hardest of everyone, which I understand. Finding this out about her daughter and her own father being responsible could not have been easy for her. It has brought us much closer and alot of family secrets have been revealed for me. I am not the only one in my family who he'd done this to. These people have stepped forward now as well and told their stories. My grandfather denies the whole thing and my grandmother refuses to accept it as the truth so they have now been completely cut off from our family and I never have to see them again.

I have told the police what he did to me. It has been a tough journey with alot of tears, but it finally feels like the pieces are coming together. I think I'll soon be able to put this behind me for good. For the first time I feel strong and proud of my own bravery. Because this... has been scary. It is not easy to confess this type of thing. But I know now that none of it was my fault and I should not have to suffer for what he did to me. He has taken too many of my years already.

Today was a good day. Bye for now,

Amee

Goodbye Friday night

So after a few hours of chillin' with my computer I feel pretty OK. I am almost a little ashamed of how tired I am right now, but then I thought: "Hey! It's probably good that you're tired".

When I think about it, it isn't that strange. I slept about 2 hours last night and also I've had a rough day thinking about E. That is tireing enough by itself, but then I've been worried sick about a mock trial my class will have. The reason for my worries being that I'm frightened of holding any sort of speech or presentation to a group of people and have gotten full scale panic attacks earlier because of it.

It buggs me a bit having so little energy on a Friday. But the weekend is when I can catch up on all my lost sleep from earlier in the week and is made for relaxing, so I'm gonna go to bed soon I believe.

By the way, I sent in my CV today, so now it's just waiting and hoping for the best.

Bye for now,

Amee

She is making it really difficult

I am trying really hard to be mature about the situation with E, but it's just getting harder and harder. I'm trying to give her space, trying to be understanding of her situation, trying to talk with her. But she has said every day now since school started "I'm sorry, we'll talk tomorrow after school, promise" but she hasn't turned up even once and she won't answer me when I text her, so I'm getting really frustrated. And I'm trying not to talk to any of the friends we share about this, because that might be seen as trash talking her. She is making me so frustrated and so angry, and there is no one I can talk about it with, not even her apparantly. So here I am, taking out my frustration in this post. And I know that I'm only getting angry because I really care about her and she's shutting me out. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm not worth anything and being thrown away. I feel like a baby for letting this get to me as much as it has.

Long time no see

Things are still tense between me and E. I am planning on talking to her today after school and try to straighten some things out. I am naturally a very forgiving person and I care deeply about my friends, so it is really up to her what happens. I'm hoping everything will be solved and we can go back to being friends, but maybe that is a bit naive.

Yesterday an old classmate of mine started chatting with me out of the blue on facebook. I used to have a crush on him back then and we got together for a while, but I've always known that he's a player, so it didn't last long. We didn't really talk to one another after that, but mostly because of embarrassing reasons and we did not split up on bad terms, so I was kinda glad to hear from him.

I have decided to send in my CV to Gröna Lund now and I will do it in the morning or maybe after school. Don't want to send it in now since it's in the middle of the night. I am really nervous but I keep telling myself that the worst that could happen is getting a 'no'.

Bye for now,

Amee

No friends

Hi again. I honestly forgot all about my blog for a few days. Don't know how that happened, but I'm back now.

Christmas break is over so I went to school yesterday and I'm already longing for the sports holiday. School used to be my life once. However since I fell apart a while ago it's been hell. Yesterday was a day fit for top 10 worst schooldays though, since I don't have any friends there anymore.

I always used to hang out with two other girls in my class. I'll call them M and E. M and I are still nice to each other but we're not close anymore. She is the typical popular girl who everyone likes, so I guess she just doesn't have time for a shy, quiet person like me.

E and I were really close friends. We told each other everything. We were always there for each other. Though last term she got really depressed and mostly stayed home. She was on her way back up again and she was really exited about a movie night she was going to have the day we ended school. This movie night had been a constant topic in our conversations for quite some time, so I thought it obvious for me to be invited, also given how close friends we were.

About a week and a half before school ended she began turning me down every time I asked if she wanted to hang out after school. She had other plans. I thought it was a pity, but didn't think deeper into it.

When a week of school was left I was taken to the hospital because I was deeply depressed and wanted to die. They let me go pretty soon though and that's when I got my medication. I told E all about this and I came to school for the last three days.

The night before the end of term and E's movie night I sent her a text: "The movie night still on tomorrow? :)" I got the answer "Yes, but we're too many". I thought well that's a bummer and asked "so everyone cant come?" and she said no. That's when I realized what she meant and asked her "...so I can't come?" and she said no and that she was sorry.

That's when I started adding everything together. "Okey... But you're not avoiding me right? Because if you are, I'd rather have you say it to me than having me look like an idiot hoping to see you soon.." I told her. "No I'm not avoiding you, but I'm not feeling very well and I can't deal with your problems too, it's just too much. So I don't think we should hang out anymore" was the answer I got. This is when I actually felt really hurt. I could understand her though, it's tough having a depressed friend, I know that. But E is still a close friend of mine and I didn't wan't to lose her, so I said "I never asked you to take care of my problems, E. I didn't know you took it like that. What if I just don't talk about my problems when I'm with you then?" and she never replied.

I'm not hurt because she didn't let me come to the movie night. Yes, I think she could have told me earlier, but what really hurt my feelings was that instead of coming up to me and saying that this doesn't work, she just tried to avoid me, and when I come with a suggestion to a solution she doesn't even answer.

Yesterday was the first day I've seen her since this happened. She didn't even look my way unless I for whatever reason was right next to her. I made it easy for her and stayed away. Making myself the lonliest student in the school.

Sleeping all day

Today I slept until about 5 in the afternoon. Didn't want to get up. Dad tried to talk to me, wanted to know what was wrong but I didn't know what to answer so I didn't say anything.

My room is messy and I have notebooks and papers all over the floor. While dad tried to talk to me he opened some of the notebooks and he found some exercises I had done that I got from my therapist. I've written some very depressing things on those and dad read them. I wanted to tell him to stop, but I figured it was too late now so I let him read.

When I finally got up I went to have dinner with the others and then I went back to my room and I have been geeking howrse since.

Bye for now,

Amee

Is it really working?

Maybe the medication only worked because I was telling myself that it did...

After I had that chat with my sis I got really depressed again. While she was still with me in my room. I was lying on the floor staring out into nothingness. She asked me why I looked so sad and I answered that I wasn't sad. She told me that something obviously was wrong and wondered what, but I replied "I don't know".

I have a feeling I upset her by not telling her what was wrong, because she left after that. Honestly though, I don't know what's wrong. I rarely do these days. It confuses me and makes me feel even worse.

I have no plans this weekend. Hopefully I'll get to sleep alot. My parents have a habit of waking me up when they think it's too late in the afternoon, so probably not.

On Monday I've decided to visit my old school. There is a teacher there that has helped me through alot and I still keep in touch with him because he is a great support and he has made me feel better so many times.

Bye for now,

Amee

Dilemma

Had a long chat with my sis today. About me and my depression. It's tough, because I want to be honest wit her, and I usually am, but I can see how much it hurts her to see me like this and hear me say all these things.

...

The shadows trick me.
They make me think they are creatures.
They are after me.

<3

 

Best Song Ever

 

Hard work work

I surprised myself with writing a CV and a personal letter this evening. Why? Because I want to work at the tivoli Gröna Lund this summer! I know nothing about writing this type of things, so I'm gonna have some people I trust look at them before I send them to the tivoli. How exciting!

This may not be such a big deal, but I think this is really good for me. My biggest issue has been that I don't want to live. I just can't find a good reason to why I should. And this gives me some sort of purpose. A goal to strive for. To work at the tivoli for the summer. I think it could be a lot of fun.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Bye for now,

Amee

Neck hurts from sitting too much.

I managed to eat a sandwich around lunch time and then I had to lie down on the couch because I was too dizzy to stand or even sit up. I suddenly woke up 3 hours later, so I must have fallen asleep. It took me about 45 minutes before I could push myself to get up again and I parked myself in front of the computer once more. And here I'v been sitting since then. Probably about 5-6 hours, and I'm not planning on moving soon either.

This morning I remembered that I haden't taken my medication the night before, so I took it in the morning instead. It probably contributed quite alot my dizziness.

Bye for now,

Amee

Goal Setting

So I've spent an hour designing a layout for howrse now and ended up with one that I think is OK. Of course though, I don't know how to put it in the presentation, so it's all for nothing. I've searched around looking for answers, but can not find any.

At the moment I'm beginning to feel what my sleepless night did to my body. I'm starting to feel dizzy and slow and actually kind of tired. I'm thinking about perhaps going to bed now, however that will result in me sleeping the entire day, so I think I will just have to endure.

My goals for today are:
- To take a shower
- To eat regularly
- Go to bed at a decent time

Bye for now,

Amee

Sleepless

Tonight was yet another sleepless night. It was not a night full of anxiety and despair as most of my sleepless nights have been, but a rather monotone one. I spent the first few hours playing the sims 3 until my game crashed without saving to my frustration and I turned it off. I then went to geeking howrse and learning about coding in HTML.

I accomplished a lot in my howrseing, but failed miserably in my attempts at coding this blog. Though the blog coding did not turn out the way I had wished, I was able to aply my new skills to coding my presentation at howrse. I am satisfied with the outcome, but it still looks boring and I might try designing a layout later today.

Tomorrow I will meet with a friend whom I see much too rarely and I'm longing. As a matter of fact, she will be the first friend that I see during the whole christmas break.

By for now,

Amee

Effects of Medication

Sometime just before christmas I got antidepressants. Since it's been a while now since I started taking them I've been trying to see if my feelings have changed any, and I came to the conclusion that they have, however I'm not sure if it's actually because of the medication or not. I'm definetley still depressed, no question about that, but when I think about it I actually haven't had any major anxiety attacks and to me that is a huge step forward. I feel much more stable, which is good, but I also feel kinda empty and numb. That bothers me a bit, since I at least would like to feel like a person, though compared to me last month I definitely prefer the numb me.

People

...Are boring. How can not any of my friends be online? I know it's 03:30 in the morning, but still, it's christmas break, how can no one be awake? Insomnia is a bitch.

Welcome

I am a deeply depressed seventeen year-old. I don't feel like telling you all about why right now, so I thought I'd just introduce the blog for now. I can not promise that I will post often, this is more a way for me to get some frustration out. Most posts will probably be very depressing and possibly a little disturbing at times, depending on my mood. However, I'm not giving this blog a specific topic. I'll write whatever I feel like writing. I guess it is a blog about my life. I hope you'll enjoy it, otherwise you don't have to read it.
 
Bye for now,
 
Amee